Dirty words...

Sending a text message today and used the word "cock" but my predictive text offered me the word "anal" first.

Is RUDE!

Very very sneaky...

I was feeling rather domesticated today and decided to cook up a batch of organic cupcakes. I bought the cupcake mix last time I was out at Poachers Pantry with the girls, and justified the sweet treat with the thought that if it's organic it can't be too bad ;o)

So after popping them in the oven, I opened the fridge to get out the almost full tub of Betty Crocker Vanilla Frosting (see, I'm not that domesticated!). At first I couldn't find it, but after some hunting, there it was, riiiiiiiiiiiight up the back behind the leftovers, the cheeses and the barn laid hen eggs (I'm hoping there aren't cages IN the barns!)
Anyhow, after a colossal hunt to find it, I was shocked upon opening it to discover that we have weevils in our fridge!

I promptly rang Hunky Hubby to tell him of my discovery:

ME: Honey, I think we have weevils!
HH: What do you mean, weevils? What are they!
Me: They're little bugs that eat food. They're in the fridge!
HH: What!??
Me: Yes, but it's most strange. They only targeted the tub of Betty Crocker Icing! You know the sweet vanilla one that you like so much?
HH: Ahhhhh, yes. Those weevils are evil you know!
Me: The amazing thing is, they were very crafty with their nibbling. You see they have ever so carefully eaten layer after layer of the icing, leaving a thin scraping in the bottom to give the APPEARANCE of there actually being icing left. Very crafty indeed.

Now I don't feel so bad about the fact that I've made cupcakes - at least I didn't eat a whole tub of icing and try to hide it!

Handy Bag

What's with all the ladies using those oh so pretty coles or woolies reusable shopping bags as hand bags?

Now, I do like the pink ones, and the whole save the environment thing is worth working for, but they are not a replacement for a handbag! They're for groceries! Or carrying dry cleaning. But not for the love of god, handbags!

Over the shoulder boulder holder

So I was at the emergency department of Calvary again today, and while I spent way too many hours of my life in the cesspit that is the waiting room (by the way, a big shout out of thanks to those people who won't spring for a doctor and instead clog up the ED with the sniffles!!)

Where was I? Oh yes. So I'm in the waiting room for a couple of hours, and I start doing my own survey. Now, I'm not that way inclined (not that there's anything wrong with that) but I found myself noticing the ...... 'bra situation' of some of the women around me. It had started earlier in the morning while I was in a coffee shop, after the buxom lass there walked past and I noticed she had what appeared to be 4 breasts. On closer inspection, I realised she was just wearing a bra that was about 4 cup sizes too small, resulting in "spillage" to create a second boob above the real one.

Then while I'm in the ED, waiting around I see another woman with.... how to say it delicately? BOOB GUTS! You know the ones, you're sure some time a few decades ago they rested on her chest, but they've now settled much further down, due to a combination of sagging (fair enough, not her fault) but most importantly - the lack of a decent goddam bra! I used to roll my eyes at those party plan ladies who stated that 87% of women wear the wrong bra, but after my comprehensive and scientifically inept study today, I believe it!

Not enough evidence I hear you say? OH, I guess I forgot to tell you about the woman whose bra firmly pushed her breasts out towards her back, lodging them almost under her arms! Or the woman with the bra so flimsy and lacking in support, it looked like she wasn't wearing one at all, until she turned around gave me the joy of seeing her yank the it down in the back.

Ladies, I implore you - if you bought your bra more than a decade ago, or it was white and has gone a nice shade of grey with age, or if you've changed your clothing size over time - consider investing in a new bra! Your shoulders, back and breasts will thank you for it ;o)

I'm on the drug, I'm on the drug....

We ended up in emergency last night. I've got Crohn's Disease, and last night was in so much pain that we took a trip to the hospital. (Crohn's is basically your antibodies attacking healthy tissue in your dgestive track [often the intestines], which can result in pain, inflammation, ulcer's, thinning of the intestinal walls and sometimes leads to an operation to take out the inflamed section. I've had 2 of these op's)

Anywho, they still don't really know why the pain was so intense. They gave me morphine which of course made me feel fine and the pain a distant memory. It's amazing the length's I'll go to for a hit, now that I'm detoxing, hey? ;o)

They think I might have an ulcer in my stomach (you can get Crohn's anywhere in the digestive track, from the mouth right through) but they're not really sure. They gave me 3 different meds and after a few hours said I could stay overnight or go home - so home it was.

It's so frustrating having these flare up's, and they do interfere with my plan to get fit and healthy - I'm exhausted today, but I'm still going to at least do a Wii Fit workout, nothing super strenuous but enough to keep me on track!

Making time

I just got home from a delicious meal at the new Balinesian restaurant, followed by a trip to the new Ha Ha bar.... minus the alcohol (still detoxing, yay! not!)

I'm exhausted and it's after 10pm, so I can't jump on the Wii for a workout because I will be awake until midnight. After a crappy night's sleep last night, I'm in need of a good snooze and the desire to lay my head down and sleep has overcome the desire to increase my points on the Wii and feel good about moving my lazy butt.

Maybe it's just me, but I can honestly say that there are often days where I don't have TIME to exercise. Call it an excuse, tell me that it's that I haven't MADE time, but the reality is, I left for work at 7:45am this morning, got home at 6:45pm, changed, and hubby and I headed to dinner with a friend at 7:00pm! Oh, I can hear the thinking now "well you could have exercised at lunchtime!" Um, no. No, I couldn't. I don't often get an hour for lunch, and when I do it's either a work lunch or the odd catch up with a friend who I have been neglecting. I also wear a suit to work and work in a very corporate environment, so post work out hairstyles are a no go.

I know it sounds like I'm making excuses, but I really do wonder how people fit in 6 days a week of exercise. Ok, I sometimes wonder how they fit in 4 days!

Gluteus Maximus Painius

Ouch! The Wii Fit is kicking my butt, literally!!

I am in pain, and it's a good feeling. Every time I sit down I get a shot of pain in the muscles on the sides of my butt, and it's definitely because of my new Wii Fit regime!

Yesterday I did half an hour of boxing, skiing, slalom, and step aerobics - and I can certainly "feel the burn" today.

My friend Alfie just did a post about self talk, and only tonight I found myself telling her (ok, bragging) about my sore ass, and after praise from her, I of course had to include the obligatory "oh yes, but I'm so unfit that the workout wouldn't have done anything for a NORMAL person". Along with such gems as "the Wii Fit is a good toning workout for anyone, but the cardio aspect only really works if you're as unfit and lardy arsed as I am".

I really don't want to talk myself down like this anymore. It's certainly not helping me to achieve anything, or more importantly to believe I can achieve anything. So I'm going to TRY not to do it anymore. One step at a time!

Actually, I have proven to myself recently that I can show self control, having been on a self imposed detox for the last 2 weeks, 3 days and 4 hours (but who's counting?). I'm still not smoking or drinking, and it's been easier than I thought. I've decided not to drink until the 1st of July, and not to smoke again at all. I'm hoping it makes a big difference to my health, and lets face it - I was finding any excuse at all for a drink! If I had a good day, well it was time to celebrate! If I had a bad day, time to drown my sorrows. And not just one drink - unless one bottle counts as one drink! Now, I'm no alco (does saying that mean you are one??) - but I certainly was getting carried away with the drinks, so I'm glad I've slowed it down and when I do start drinking again - MODERATION will be the key.

Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!

We bought a Wii a few weeks ago, and yesterday I bought a Wii Fit! It's the best invention in gaming since the Atari I tell you!

Not only can you do yoga, strength, and aerobic exercise, there are a heap of balance and coordination games to get you moving. You can track your results each day too, and set a goal for weight loss for 2 weeks to 3 months away.

So Hunky Hubby and I were setting ours up last night. You pick your character, enter your height and birthdate, and then it weighs you and gives you your BMI. My feeling of dread at the thought of my weight and BMI was totally justified.... And I justified it to myself by saying "well we've just been out for dinner, and it's the end of the day!!" Hunky just laughed at me (that is, until he saw his own BMI! Ha!)

It's pretty hilarious, after it gives you your BMI it automatically changes the shape of your character to a little fatty!! Then I got my Wii Fitness Age.... I'm 44! 14 years older than I am in real life!

HOWEVER! I have done my second session on it this morning, and already I've lost 1.6kgs, and reduced my fitness age as well. Amazing what weighing yourself in the morning compared to the evening can do! I was feeling rather chuffed at my super amazing progress (BAH!) when up on the screen pops a little note "We note that you weighed yourself at 10:30pm last night, and it's now morning. Weighing yourself at the same time each day will avoid inconsistencies in your results, which can vary by one kilogram depending on the time of day".

It's a SMART little bugger that Wii!

My body is a temple - dedicated to the god of debauchery...

So I've decided it's time for a detox.

We moved house in February, and ever since we have been drinking for Australia and smoking for the olympics. There is just something about this house and our new location that makes us prone to random drunken nights. We have an awesome deck for entertaining, and it just so happens that my besty is now only 4 minutes drive away... along with 2 other gorgeous girls that have adopted me, and you've got very few AFD's (alcohol free days)...

And of course, once I've had a couple of drinks, I start smoking. Ok, ok, once I've had the first sip, I can't blame being intoxicated, I just really enjoy smoking.

BUT:
smoking = bad, smelly, and definitely increases the hangover
drinking = good for you, in moderation. And moderation is something I struggle with.

So, I've decided that it's time for a detox, time to treat my body like a temple instead of a house of sin. Yay for the boring life *yawn*. Can you tell how keen I am on the idea?

I figure that when your colleague calls you a party girl to the CEO of the company, it might be time to hang up the drinking boots for a little while.

It's not going to be pretty.

CFM boots

So I'm walking through the city the other day, and I see this woman wearing knee high boots. Now, I'm a fan of the knee high boot, I think they can look great......... However, when the woman wearing the boots is WELL OVER 65 YEARS OF AGE - not a good look. I mean come on lady, when your knee caps are sagging over the top of your boots, you've gotta realise that you're just too fricken old to be wearing fuck me boots!

So I had a bit of a chuckle to myself, and on my merry way I went, not giving the mutton/lamb lady another thought until.....

Walking through the city again today, and I see another grandma, even older than the first - wearing LEATHER PANTS!!! Now this one knew she was old, cause she'd gone and asked for the blue rinse at the hairdresser! Let me tell you, ladies, if you have blue hair and it's not of the punk variety, then STEP AWAY FROM THE LEATHER!

10 things about me...

1. I hate my middle name, and I won't tell you what it is - but it's after my Aunties - it's my Mum's sister's firstname, and my Dad's sister has it as her middle name.

2. I am a compulsiver spender, and have to constantly ask myself if I really need something. If I can't find something that I know I already have somewhere, my instant thought is to just buy a new one.

3. My 2nd cousin is the guy who, in real life, chopped off Chopper Read's ears in prison.

4. I like the idea of being a good cook, but in reality I'm lazy when it comes to cooking. And given my oven doesn't work at the moment, it's the perfect excuse!

5. I can usually find a way to get things my own way - without the other person realising what's happening. I try not to do this, but it's tempting.

6. I've had 3 operations, and I love morphine.

7. I very rarely leave the house without a full face of make-up

8. I lied about my weight on my life insurance application. My husband was there, along with my financial planner and some things are private! I was honest about everything else, including my occasional smoking.

9. I read lots of people's blogs, and mine isn't up to scratch!

10. I once got pulled over by the police, in a stolen car - and was 16 with no license. I'd had a couple of vodka's, and contemplated not stopping. They breathalysed me and let me go!

VICE SQUAD

So while we were in Fiji we met a couple of newlywed's from Vegas, and got to chatting. She worked in a hotel, as a bar manager - just a regular kinda job. His job on the other hand was to go to work every day and pick up prostitutes!!! He's an undercover cop with the Vice Squad, and his specialisation is prostitution!

Imagine your hubby coming home:

"Hey baby, how was your day?"

"Excellent, I convinced 7 prostitutes to sleep with me for money!"

Of course, he doesn't actually go through with the deed - he just has to get them to agree on a price, and make it really clear that he wants sex - as soon as she agrees, he arrests them. The thing is, in Vegas it's a misdemeanor, so they're generally locked up for 12 hours and then let go.

mis·de·mean·or
–noun
1. Law. a criminal offense defined as less serious than a felony.
2. an instance of misbehavior; misdeed.

MISDEED INDEED!

So interesting job hey? The thing I found most interesting was the ploys he uses to convince them he's not a cop. He'll ask them why they think he's a cop, and act really interested in who in the room is "actually" a cop. He'll also tell them that he is picking up a girl to join him and his girlfriend for a bit of fun. But the one that works the best, is when he tells them he's married - and he even carries a fake wedding ring in his pocket to show them when they ask where the ring is!

Good to know marriage is still sacred hey?

Bula!

We just got back from a week in Fiji, and it was absolute BLISS!

We spent a week on the island of Qamea, in a honeymoon suite - I know, we're not technically honeymooners, but seeing as it was our anniversary..... Yep, 2 whole years of marriage me tells ya! That's an achievement in this day and age ;o)

The bure (that's Fijian for hut I think!!) was amazing - a 4 poster canopy bed (luckily the drapes closed right around it, cause for some reason in Fiji they just LOVE see through curtains! Guess it's the thought of all those honeymooners.....). We also had OUR OWN JACUZZI! In a private courtyard out the back. And an outdoor shower. And yes, it was private - although it took some getting used to. The first time we used the jacuzzi, we sat there, looking up and around us - searching the trees to make sure no one had decided to "farm some coconuts"!

We met some really nice people too. One of the other couple's, who were Australian, would ask us every evening when we convened at the bar for drinks, what activities we had been up to that day. Without fail, the answer would be.... "not much!" We generally ate, jacuzzi'd, showered, starting drinking at lunchtime (well some people eat lunch at 11am!), had a massage, ate lunch, drank some more, had a nap, had a few drinks at the Bure.... then headed up to the bar for the complimentary canapes!

Other than that, the only thing we really did was indulge in ....... dirty.......... hazy................ smelly............. sessions of......................

SMOKING!

(you dirty thing you!!)

Yep, although Hunky and I don't technically smoke (ok, we smoke. Sometimes) - whenever we go on holidays, we turn into full time smokers. It starts just after lunch, with the excuse of being full and needing a smoke because of that (smoking helps if you've eaten too much, don't you know). Then it's the after lunch cocktail, seeing as we're at the bar (smoking and drinking go together like bacon and eggs!). After a nap, you need a cigarette to wake you up (inhaling 20 toxic chemicals just makes me feel SO ALIVE!)

So yeah, obviously I know - SMOKING = BAD FOR YOU

But still, we smoke.

So I've decided it's time to quit!!! I'll just have one more tonight with the girls, to make sure I'm not missing anything!

Oh, and time for detoxing and healthiness too. I had a salad today, with a little risotto ball thing. Then I had the nutritionally rewarding dinner of - vegemite on toast! I'm not used to making my own dinner dammit! I want my Fiji chef back. And William the bartender. And Louie the waiter! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Where's your husband?

So at this do last night, I was talking to some of the guys I haven't seen for a while. Now, these are guys I've known since I was little - our Dad's had been friends since they were younger. So, I sat down, and the first thing one of their girlfriends said to me was "Where's your husband?"

How's that for fast? Barely a word out of my mouth and already I'm a threat?

All I can figure is, I'd been outside a bit smoking, and as it's mostly the boys who smoke - I must have spent most of the night with boys.... so therefor I was a threat somehow. Funny the assumptions people make.

Trashbag...

So here I am with yet another hangover. I can't remember the last weekend that I didn't have one. Actually, since we moved into our new house, there has been something on every weekend, and when there's been nothing to celebrate we've called drinks on deck, and hung out here with friends for drinks.... on the deck obviously.

I woke up feeling very remorseful and thinking perhaps I'll have a very quiet night tonight. But then I remembered in my inebriated state last night I invited people over.... for drinks. So there goes that idea. It's a gorgeous day outside, the sun is shining - and I've closed all the blinds so that it's blinding dazzle doesn't interrupt my hangover cure, which is sitting on the couch with a glass of cordial, watching a movie until it gets closer to the time I have to get up, clean up, and perk up....

Last night one of my best mates graduated from Goulburn Police College. I took the day off and went to see him graduate, and it was so awesome to be there and see him in his uniform, finally a police officer after 9 months of hard work and sacrifice. The ceremony was great, although about 12 people fainted or came close to - standing out on the parade ground in their uniform including leather jacket for such a long time in the heat would have been pretty uncomfortable. So last night's celebration was for him, he and his wife shouted their family and friends dinner, and then we headed out to Kingston. I must admit, I'm usually one of the last to leave these things, partly because I'm having so much fun and partly cause I don't want to miss anything! Had a great night, but am feeling it today. Off to watch a movie!

Sinful thoughts

I lent one of my friends our second car today, we're not going to need it for the next 3 weeks and theirs blew up. She's pregnant and due in a couple of weeks, so I figure it would be nice if she could get around to get some last minute stuff. Anyway, here's me in the driveway, telling her how it's just a normal car, manual, no little tricks or quirks to it, or anything like that.... while I'm distracted she uses the key to open the door, the alarm starts bleeping at the top of it's lungs, she clutches her belly and starts having a contraction! Holy shit! She used the key to open the door, instead of the beeper and set the alarm off. Within the space of 3 seconds, the following thoughts go through my head:
a) who uses a key to open a car door these days!
b) she's clutching her belly, why is she clutching!
c) I can't be late for work!

How nice is that - they were my thoughts, in order. Not "oh my god, my friend may now be in labour". Not "I shoulda told her about the alarm" But "I can't be late for work!!"

Nice friend I am. REAL nice.

She was fine by the way, just a bit surprised. She was also laughing, a good sign!

One of my contractors asked for a $20 an hour payrise today. $20 an hour! I tried not to laugh. I just don't know how someone can think that their role has changed so much in less than 12 months, enough to warrant a $40K payrise!! That is what some people get paid in a year FFS!

Went to a new restaurant today, at Realm Hotel in Barton. It's a turkish restaurant - beautiful food, decent prices and generous serves. Worth checking out.

Ladette to Lady

If I'm ever 102, and am teaching a bunch of booner hooligan chicks to be less revolting and have a little more decorum - PLEASE ensure I don't attempt to do so while wearing frosted pink lipstick and a really bad dye job!!! WTF!

Pimp'n

Working in IT Recruitment, I get called a Pimp pretty regularly. Today I got a call from one of the companies I deal with, concerned about the email they'd forwarded me from a contractor of mine who had referred to me as their "Pimp". I let her know it was fine, assuring her that this particular person calls me that to my face whenever I see him. Most people do it in jest, without malice, and I respond as such.

The others, well I just remind them "If I'm a pimp, and you are the one I'm pimping out - what does that make you?" ;o)

Ahoy me hearties!

So my little sister calls me up today, to tell me the latest in her string of incidents, accidents and illnesses - she's wearing a fucking eye patch!! She took a chunk out of her eye, while taking out her contacts. Suprisingly, she wasn't drunk at the time. So she's had today off work cause she can't drive. I myself wouldn't care about the not being able to drive thing, I'd be more concerned about venturing out in public looking like a damn fool!

Got out of work tonight at quarter to 8, and headed straight to Alfie's for Desperate Housewives. Her little one "Jim" is so cute - I get there and he hears my voice and calls out "Na-ya!" as I'm heading to the loo. "Yes Jim" I reply. "Come see me!" says Jim. Here's me thinking how cute that he wants to see me, but no, he's just using me to hatch an escape plan from his room where he's MEANT to be sleeping! And I would have fallen for it if Alfie hadn't been in her room getting me some ugg boots to wear with my suit (yes, I'm a class act!

So the $20 non smoking bet I made with my mate from work is going well - I'm breaking it with amazing consistency. Tried to get out of it today by saying that I NEED to have an outlet - he wasn't buying it. So am torn between paying up, or extending the bet. Given that I'm off to Fiji in less than 2 weeks, I'm better off just paying up - myself and Hunky Hubby know that we'll be lying by the pool, throwing back cocktails and puffing away. Hey, I never said that willpower was my strong point!

The 80's invasion...

Feeling very seedy today - I'm not sure if it was the 5 cocktails, the copious glasses of wine, the shot of kaluha, or my decision to break my $20 bet of not smoking (justifying it by saying I'm going to Fiji in 2 weeks time and I'll just HAVE to smoke then anyway)........ but I woke up this morning wondering who had shat in my mouth while I was sleeping and then added insult to injury, smacked me over the head!

Anyway, I don't have a drinking problem (hmmm, if I have to clarify that, maybe I do!)....

Hung out with the gals last night, and we ended up back at my place for a few more... Our poor friend Shane who lives up the road got a call at 11:30pm telling him to head on over for drinks on deck - which he was quite happy to accept despite being in bed! I got to that point where the drinks all hit you like a ton of bricks, so wandered off to our guest room for a little power nap - planning to stay there for 5 minutes and "rest my eyes" - until Hunky Hubby came looking for me quite some time later... I was in bed within minutes. Flashbacks of the night include me asking poor Shane where he got his parachute jacket and not so kindly informing him that the 80's are over - he's still speaking to me :o)

This morning Alfie, myself and 2 friends went out to Poachers Pantry for brunch - I managed to use my hang over as a convenient excuse not to be designated driver, enabling me to partake in a hair of the dog cure! Nothing like bubbles to start the day! The food was delicious, and the company even better - we were cacking ourselves about topics such as stirrup pants, remember those? Some of them even had that permanent pleat down the front? Apparently they are making a comeback, one of the girls saw them in the shops the other day! It's bad enough that we participated the first time round, it won't happen again! Although poor Alfie might have to get a pair so she can try out wearing them properly, instead of on the outside of her shoes!

It's been 24 hours of the 80's for me....Which brings me to the belt incident. One of the girls was wearing a dress with a clip together elastic belt, and when I noticed it I started reminiscing about the 2 elastic belts that I had back in the 80's, which were noice, unusual, different... Only to be reprimanded by said belt wearing friend about how she wasn't sure if we would tease her for wearing it.... Am I that much of a bitch? (don't answer that!)

Best workmates ever

So I'm working from home today... and I have to say, it's blissful to not be interrupted by questions from staff every 10 minutes! The only company I have is my 2 puppies, and they don't ask for much.

Man, I suck at writing a blog!! I've written stuff and deleted it 10 times, worrying that somehow someone from work will get access to it!

Interesting things that happened today - nothing.

"Insert witty title here"

So, I've never had a blog before. I blame my curiosity on Alfie, cause it's always nice to have someone else to pin things on, yeah?

I'm torn - will I use it and be my usual honest and kinda harsh self? Or will the thought of someone finding it stop me from being quite so open? We'll see.